"Some things are better left unsaid!" True enough & in the same vein, "Some things are better forgotten!" In this day & age, especially amongst the self-help gurus, self-care enthusiasts, etc., etc., the topic of figuring out what 'triggers' you & either distancing yourself from those 'triggers' or otherwise removing them from your life altogether has become of utmost importance. Here though, is where we run into the ever-present issue of, "Wherever you go, there you are!" In other words, "You can leave your problems behind, but you can't leave yourself behind!" In a certain sense, this gives new meaning to the sarcastic phrase, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". Maybe that's what it's always meant, metaphorically speaking!
"Memories!" Some say that they're what Life is made of. One hears a lot about making memories, especially when it comes to family & friends. Memories, in & of themselves, much like the Ego, are not a bad thing, neither good nor evil. We tend, often, to black out, to whatever extent, the memories of things that have either happened to us or things we've done that are 'bad', usually, something we don't like; pain, for instance, while on the other hand, keeping in mind the 'good' memories, those of things we've done or that happened to us that brought us pleasure. Again, this is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing; it is simply the survival instinct that's been built into us as humans. Or is it? Have we been taught to suppress these emotions? To bury the bad ones & keep only the good ones! Maybe this is part of our age-old problem!
"Forgive & Forget!" Lately, I created a post on Facebook that began with the popular phrase, "Forgive, But Don't Forget!" A question that I posed in this short post was, "CAN
we truly move on if we don't forget, forever keeping in mind ( even WAY in the
back ) the perceived harm that 'other' did us?" In other words, "Have we truly forgiven them if we don't forget the perceived harm they did us?" I realize this is a hard saying, but it IS worthy of acceptance! "Why?' you may ask! Well, not only is it harmful to our fragile psyche, our Ego, but it could be harmful ( often is ) devastating to the individual that delivered the final blow, the 'straw that broke the camel's back", so to speak. 'Who cares!" you might well respond. Thus we have the heart of the issue!
Yes; Caring often hurts! Also a popular phrase these days is, "I care too much". I myself have often lately gotten caught up in the fervor of the moment, saying things like, "I just don't care anymore!"Fortunately, I have a BFF that reminds me that I DO care, because, "you wouldn't say that if you didn't care!" If we truly care, the caring doesn't ever stop! "Wow", you might be thinking, "that's way harsh!" Yes, I'll readily admit, it often feels like, in order to care for ourselves, in order to progress in our own healing journey, we MUST stop caring for others. To an extent, this is true; going back to forgiveness, sometimes, we have to stop actively taking care of others in order to take care of ourselves. Caring, though NEVER ends! Like Love; if you truly love someone, that Love never ends, like Energy, it just transforms itself. If one truly cares about something or someone, that caring will never end; else it is just the Ego talking!
But, as usual, "I digress.................................."
Unless it's a 'bad' memory; it's usually hard to forget. Of course, if it's too 'bad', it's almost impossible. I don't mean to downplay the 'bad' things that have happened to any of my readers! I've heard some pretty horrific stories & I'm sure I haven't heard the half of it! Some people, to their credit, have surmounted all that happened to them & made a 'good' Life in spite of it, while others have allowed those 'bad' memories to twist their lives into something almost unrecognizable. Even though they may claim to have forgiven those who have hurt them ( often, just a bruised Ego ) & moved on, because they can't forget the perceived harm, they will always be triggered by those memories & will be forever hurting!
Avoiding what triggers us may seem like a 'good', even necessary thing. If we avoid what triggers us, then we won't be reminded of the painful ways in which we've been hurt, right? True enough, maybe, although, shit happens, but on the other hand, if we simply avoid what triggers us, we're gonna end up as hermits! As a wise man once said, "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"! If however, we go Within, asking ourselves WHY this or that triggers us, then we can truly move past the issue & start to heal! Easier said than done, maybe, but it really IS that simple! The Ego is what says, "that person hurt me bad & maybe I can forgive them for what they did, but I'm not going to forget it, lest they have the chance to hurt me again". The Ego, which is part of what makes us Individuals, says "Because of the way that Person treated ME, they no longer deserve a place in my life". Thus, it becomes a battle of the Egos! Who wins? NO ONE!
Sometimes, in order for us to take care of ourselves, it seems that we MUST avoid what triggers us: this almost make some sort of sense. However, if we avoid the issue for too long, it only builds up inside us, because, when it comes down to it, WE are the real problem, the Heart of the Issue! Yes, what they did was hurtful, even harmful, but if we just avoid the issue, simply sweeping it under the carpet, sooner or later, it WILL come back to haunt us, with a fucking vengeance! It is OUR choice! How we respond to those triggers, or even preemptive to that, how we initially respond to those who hurt us, is up to US & us ALONE! Don't let anyone ever tell you that you didn't have a choice whether to hurt that person back, to respond in kind. That's simply THEIR Ego telling YOUR Ego what you should do. This is not to say that we should just allow a Person to continually hurt us again & again; there is such a thing as destructive behavior which we should not allow! Avoiding the issue, again, is not the answer. Facing our problems head on, beginning with OURSELVES is. If we can first change OUR attitude & how WE respond to their hurtful ways, then maybe we can change the outcome of the whole situation & rather than losing One who may have been a Friend, we not only gain a true Friend, but we learn something about OURSELVES along the way.
Finally, by realizing that things don't just happen TO us, but FOR us, things take on a whole new light! I may be stepping on some toes by saying that, especially for those who have been physically, emotionally, or mentally scarred by things that have happened to them in the past, so again, I don't mean to downplay their pain, but, "as above, so below"; by acting in Love rather than from Ego, we turn the tables, from what was meant to hurt, or harm us, into something from which we learn, something that helps us to remember that WE have the Power; it's up to US as to whether the Cycle of Violence continues, or whether the buck does indeed stop with us!
"Forget about it"! Again, "easier said than done", but it really is that simple. I realize that scars are always there, to whatever extent. However, if we can use those scars as learning tools, rather than letting them fester & haunt us for the rest of our Life; we'll be much better off. As they say, "No pain, no gain"! If we simply ignore the pain, hoping it will go away, avoiding the triggers, the triggers & the pain will ALWAYS be there in the back of our Mind, taunting us, haunting us, telling us that we ARE an island, that we ARE better off without the Other, because "People Suck'!
Namste' & Blessed Be,
Sage Charles
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